distance

Today, when I woke up, I immediately thought, "I miss him."

Strange, because he hasn't gone anywhere. He's a phone call away. Less than a half hour ago, my cell rang, but I didn't pick up in time. I Googled the number and I found out that it came from a payphone right next to where he works. I thought the number looked familiar. The call came in just after he would normally finish work.

I wish I hadn't missed the call. I wish he had left a message. I know it's him. He has done this before and none of my friends are around there.

But what did I think would happen? Nothing. Though part of me is wishing that he called to chat. That he has thought things through and has changed his mind.

Funny how not thinking about someone all the time makes them seem distant. But I guess we both thought of each other today.

i wonder

I wrote this in response to a comment on my previous post: Why do some people want to hold on to something that has hurt them before?

He was hurt by X. So hurt, that even now, four years later, he still had to compare what he feels about me to how he felt about her, which led him to decide that it's not a good idea.

It's as though he heard something he didn't like in what I said about relationships and it stuck there. He has mentioned to me several times that she really messed him up. His view of dating relationships as finite (and in fact with the last two that he's been interested in, he figured things wouldn't last), before giving them a chance, tells me that he's scared.

So it seems that when he heard me say that I want someone who's not going to think "this is gonna end" he translated it to "she wants something that's going to last forever with me". Who wouldn't want to find something that lasts? But no one thinks right away that this is what's in front of them.

Sometimes I wonder whether he's convincing himself that I have high expectations so that he won't have to get involved and potentially hurt himself. He has expressed that he's not ready to get his heart broken.

But why, why hang on?

I certainly don't feel about him the way I felt about my ex. Why does he need to compare? Different people = different situations = different feelings. At least that's the way I see it.

The upside to this whole thing is that I'm sleeping more soundly. So soundly that I have lots of trouble getting up. I concentrate more on books I'm reading because thoughts of what I should do about him don't tease my brain away from the words.

I was riding in the car with my brother from the station today and he joked that I'm pining over...well, let's call him B. He has no idea what I've done. He didn't think I would deal well with rejection, so he didn't think I should ask him out. The truth is, I wasn't pining at all. I was thinking about the situation, but I was feeling calm, taking in the impossible brilliance and softness of the sunlit clouds, while feeling the undercurrent of the absence of anticipation.

I do miss the tension of the unknown with regard to B. I miss the mutual feeling.

Because despite what he said, I know what I know. I know that we both felt something at the same time for quite some time. I have to trust that I'm a smart woman. It takes me a while to believe it when a connection occurs. I put my emotions through a rigorous test to weed out falsity. But time has had its way.

I knew when he left for a year that I might never get my chance. I thought that if I got to him now, while we're both single, I could beat time as it races to fill empty spaces.

More and more, I'm learning how tricky time is. It'll have its way. When you think you're ahead, it's simply because you didn't see it pass. Or maybe you took the wrong route after all. Or maybe I just had a false start.

the long-awaited update

The response went like this:

'The bottom line is that I don't feel the same way about you that I felt for X.

Perhaps you will recall that the biggest mistake of my life was not going out with Y and you'll think that I'm making the same mistake again. But the difference is that she never expected me to feel that way about her. It wouldn't have lasted forever, but in the end, it would have been more of a benefit than a harm. Knowing what you think of true love and perfect relationships, it would not be the same between us at all.

You are beautiful, smart, funny, and lots of fun to be around. Under different circumstances, I would go out with you in a second.'

He went on to explain that the difference between dating someone you don't know and dating someone you do is that with an unknown person, your view of them changes everyday, so you're not leading them on.

That was the heart-cracking response.

Wow, how to explain how I feel...

Well, I still don't regret what I did. I had gotten to the point where I felt trapped. That is, that I didn't feel that I could date other people in good conscience, in case this made him feel weird in any way. I also couldn't date someone else when I really wanted to date him. I had been told, after all, by a mutual friend that he did have feelings for me. Since we hadn't talked about it, I felt this intangible cloud of questions hovering over our every interaction.

Turns out, he was wishing I would fall madly in love with someone else so that we could just be friends.

I met with him after reading his response...the very next day. I felt really insulted that he should make the assumption that I would think he's making a mistake and that I had this expectation of true love and the perfect relationship when I told him how I felt.

The problem is that through conversations we had regarding my previous break-up, I had mentioned an open-mindedness about the possibility of forever which I felt was lacking at that time. I needed to clarify that this was my expectation after almost FIVE years in a relationship. (By that time, we had already discussed a possible future.) I was rather upset that he thought I expected this of him right away. I needed him to know that I had no expectation of what might come of my telling him how I feel. I simply didn't want to let something that could make me happy pass.

I don't know whether he believes me. Admittedly, my ideal is to find that the person I'm dating isn't thinking that what we have is going to end even before giving it a sincere shot. Notice how before even dating Y, he figured it wouldn't last forever. How is that a real shot?! I understand that people can date for fun, but I don't think many people think right away, "Well, this is most likely going to end, and I'll probably break up with her, but I'll keep dating her for now"...right off the bat, without even a first date!!

I've been trying to think what exactly bothers me about his response. Naturally, I'm disappointed. I've come to realize that the reason it bothers me so much is because he never acknowledged how he feels about me now, separate from any comparison to how he felt for someone else...just me, as an individual, in real time and not in some alternate circumstance, some alternate reality that will never be.

I mean, despite what our friend said, I really wanted to hear it from him, "i.e. you mean a lot to me, and I do have feelings for you, but I don't think it would be a good idea." And now I'll never hear that from him.

That would have been nice. Now I kind of feel like I imagined the whole thing. I thought that, as friends, we could talk it all out. But in talking with him in person, he didn't have anything to say when I clarified that I wasn't expecting anything from him to start, just a chance. It felt like he just didn't want to talk about it.


reminiscing

"And the love in this case is borne out of friendship and a placid sensation of contentment at just having him around. There's a different kind of connection here that just exists and that I feel will continue to exist no matter what. I remember when I realized there was a kind of love there. I was sitting in another apartment, facing the window and dining table and it felt like the thin skin on a fruit, its fibres frayed, finally letting go, releasing scent and juice, slowly and unobtrusively. If you weren't looking, you wouldn't have seen it."

I had written that back in March 2004.

The thing is, it's so easy to just be comfortable as friends. We've talked since. A good conversation, as usual.

Before making the decision to finally tell him, I asked myself what I really think would happen. I saw nothing. I felt that perhaps in a few years, when we had both dated other people, that this might be more of a possibility.

Perhaps I was deluded, but I also felt that in the end, we'd find our way to each other, it would just take quite some time. How incredibly sad. I guess I just can't understand how two people who care for each other, support each other, but disagree enough to learn from each other could not somehow end up together.

At the same time, after enough time has passed, I know I'll date people. But I want to do it when I know I'll be open-minded about it. I just might find myself in love with someone after all and it will all have been for the best.

For now, I still have one of my best friends. He signed off with "love". And I believe it. It's there. Just not the right kind, I guess.

well now i've done it!

...in writing.

I couldn't do it in person, absolutely couldn't!! We're writing people anyway, so I thought it would be ok.

Now I must check e-mail in case he has written something to me. I had asked that he e-mail just so I know it has been read.

I'm scared.

But I don't regret anything. In fact, I'm proud of myself for having done what I never thought I would do. This comes at a really good time in my life. I've been so happy lately because of a new job that will soon make my living conditions so much more suitable to my lifestyle.

I figured that if I were ever gonna do this, now's the time. I'm not going to him with a need for anything. I'm going to have work to keep me busy...fulfilling work. I just hope he's in a good place too.

I'm so nervous. He's my best friend. I'm so scared that now I've gone and ruined everything. The night before the hand-off, I cried because I missed what would now be changed forever.

I'm so incredibly scared that he won't be in my life anymore. There were two things that it came down to:

1) I really wanted to go through with it, not because I wanted to be with him (because, of course, this isn't guaranteed), but because I just wanted him to know. It's good to know, I figure, that someone cares about you so much. He should know that. I have no expectations, whatsoever. I just want him to know.

2) No matter what, it's of the utmost importance that we remain friends.

All this then led me to wonder how much I actually want a relationship with him. I mean, if friendship is the bottom line that I want for all time, why do this? ...Because I do want more, but perhaps the truth is, I care about him so unconditionally, that this is no longer the focus of this whole thing.

I find that I can't even hope for something that has to do with him just as much as it has to do with me. What I mean is, I don't want something that he doesn't want.

Especially after my last relationship, I want someone who wants me equally. I can no longer yearn for something just for me when it comes to this. He has to meet me half way.

I'm now going to check my e-mail. I'm scared silly. He's precious to me. I need him in my life because taking him away will leave a gap. It's a need that's not essential to my being, but it's there anyway. Needs can be replaced by other needs, kind of like how when your hungry, water will make you full for a while. If I can't get food from one place, I'll get it from another. I know this is true. But I want him to fulfill it---that need for a companion who knows me better than anyone else---proof in another that I exist in a very particular way.

All in all, I'm glad that I decided something and acted on it. It's the one thing in my life that hasn't just been handed to me as an opportunity to simply say 'yes' to, if I wanted. Instead, I'm handing him the opportunity, creating it, really. And that's quite fulfilling.

I find that I do feel stronger, and that, I'll never regret.

return

Eep! The Ex, let's call him "X", is back for a month-long visit. He seems upset that I hadn't returned any of his e-mails. He pointed out it's been 2 years, with a hint of the implication that I should be over it and be friends already. Fuck. That made me angry. I'm sorry, but friendship after a break-up can't be pushed! He had been calling all the shots..."I'll come back after a year", "I want to keep travelling", "I still really care about you", "I want to be friends". Yeah. All you. It hurt that he really didn't get what his leaving did to me. To expect me to just be friends already seems to me such a haughty, presumptuous demand!

I had explained my need for space for an undetermined amount of time. I told him that maybe I'm one of those people who just can't be friends. I'm not sure. I hate that it makes me upset. He even said, "Well, I'm trying to be friends, it's up to you." So apparently, it'll be my fault if we're no longer friends. Great. He can't be blamed for anything. Oh, but wait, um, I'm sorry, you didn't reciprocate my efforts to communicate in order to remain together despite the distance. Technically, you did nothing wrong, merely pursuing your dreams. I can't blame you for that. I don't think I would do it either. But don't push the friendship agenda on me. That's not what I wanted, so don't make me take it. I want to ... someday, but not with it shoved in my face like this. You can't call all the shots---"I've got to go, sorry", "I'm gonna be your friend now". Oh man, it pisses me off!

Why does it upset me like this? I hate that. I want it to just slide over me.

But it upsets me because I cannot believe he has the nerve to be upset over it...to expect friendship. It shows me how much he doesn't understand my side of it at all. I know that his response to the break-up was different. In my experience, guys seem to be able to heal pretty quickly. Or, the more objective statement, is that guys deal with it differently. But at the very least, respect what I decide to do and don't get upset by it.

As one of my best friends wondered, why the hell does he feel the need to be friends with me anyway? What's the point? Let it go. I know that cutting a person off hurts, but break-ups hurt. I find myself half smirking because I'm glad I'm hurting him by not sharing my life, but the other half, it may actually be more than half, feels truly bad that I'm hurting him by not being his friend.

For some reason, his not understanding me with regard to this hurts me. I believe it's because my life had, to a great extent, included him in every aspect. HIM! A guy who couldn't really understand my emotions---who can't, even past the end. He got me in a lot of ways, but not the heart of me. And it saddens me, because I gave a lot of myself and I can't get his acceptance of how I need to deal with this, at the very least.

Then there's the other one. I called him twice. He may not have gotten the message the second time because I gave his mom the impression I would call him. But the first time, I said, "Give me a call if you get a chance." He e-mailed instead, after I e-mailed a little message. That's supposed to replace a return call?

Who the hell am I kidding, he doesn't care either. What's that book called? "He's just not that into you"? Maybe it's time I face facts and forget it altogher.

we had a magical time

...except that one of my best friends was with us and at times I felt like they had more of a connection than we two had that day. You know how there are little touches here and there, like how you say something while lightly touching the other's elbow? Well, that's what was happening, but not with me. Man, was I ever jealous about the elbow thing.

I was feeling myself withdraw as we sat for pints, but luckily, I was having such a good time overall that the feeling didn't take over. Later in the night, I was teaching him a dance and I loved the way he held me, the way he was looking at me. At times, across the table, I'd catch his eye.

I still have no idea. I am no doubt frustrating my readers. I'm sorry.

At the end of the night, I definitely felt like we were getting closer, after we were left alone. It was a creeping in of warmth, so subtle that I almost doubt it. Unfortunately, I had to leave so suddenly coz I had to be picked up from the subway. I can't help but wonder what would've happened. I can't help but ask why God let it happen that way.

It's so weird how I felt strange writing "God" just then. I felt like I'd alienate people who read this somehow. But that's what I thought. I guess, deep down, I still believe that there's a purpose for everything...God, destiny, a grand order.

I really want him in my life. Is it that something continues to stop us because there's still a bit of hesitation? Lately, it's been feeling like we're getting closer to something. I really, really hope that this works out. Please, oh please.

collide

We went out a few nights ago. I kept searching and searching for signs. I can't believe how dejected I felt when he mentioned this girl friend of his that I believe he became close to while he was away. I had to fight hard to shake it off. After all, he has liked me all this time, she's just a friend. But I'm so insecure about this whole thing. It's stupid. I can have guy friends. He can have girl friends. It's just that he's not with me right now. Not yet sure whether he ever will be.

I successfully shook it off though, and I was fine after the show.

We had a wonderful time at the pub. Recalling the night with a friend, I realized how great it really was. We talked about those strange things that people on dates talk about...obscure observations that we share a mutual understanding about. You know, those things that you say because you know it triggers something in the other; because you know it attracts them. Except that I didn't know I was doing it until after replaying it in my head the night after. I also barely noticed he was doing it until the replay.

If it were a real date, it was a damn good one, ensuring a next. But we were just hanging out as friends. And a next time is assured.

At the start of the evening, as we ate, I was looking at his face thinking, "This guy? Seriously? What do you see in him? Can you really see yourself with him?" The thing is, it doesn't matter what my answers are to these questions. I was just seeing him there, in front of me. I didn't need to answer them, in fact, I forgot the questions in very little time. I just know how I feel. Period. The end.

Incidentally, I found myself looking at his lips, wondering how kissing them would work. It's been ages since I've kissed someone.

update?

I haven't told him yet. Haven't changed my mind though.

Like I've mentioned, I've got a specific plan for the whole thing. Of course, I know the plan may not really work out. If I happen to spit the words out before I thought I would, I'm good with that too.

This week has been great though. You know how sometimes you have those convesations that are familiar, but just a tad hesitant? That's what it was like. Interesting and slightly sweet. He called so many times, unexpectedly this week, with invitations to go out, too. Things are looking good.

I could be writing the opposite in a week, but for now, man, is it awesome!! I sure hope things remain this way. I've gotten quite giddy on occasion. I'm enjoying it immensely while it lasts.

i can't believe i still haven't changed my mind

I'm gonna do it...gonna tell him.

We were hanging out a few days ago. There he was, cute as always. Laughing his head off over words. It was great! And I kept thinking, "I'm crossing that line. He has no idea. This could all end. And he has no idea what's coming."

And it seems almost impossible that he will reciprocate. I haven't seen any indication of it lately.

Since making the decision, though, I haven't worried about it as much. It's nice having control of something. Knowing something is coming is better than wondering what life will bring.

I still think about whether I should change my mind, though. Look at all that will change! Could be for something even better. But it could also not be. It could be weird. It may never be the same.

We sat there, free of tension. It was simply nice. And I wondered whether he was thinking of me at all in that way as he spoke. I wondered, when we alluded to the night he told a friend how he feels about me, whether he recalled their conversation in a flash, just as it flashed in my head. It was funny. We were talking about this guy and whether or not he was in this commercial. He didn't believe he was but I said that he actually admitted it. He didn't hear this because he was out talking to our friend while I was talking to the guy. Just as he told me he didn't know about the admission, I realized why and we both looked down at the menus.

I also sent him an e-mail with something funny, but sexual in it. I do this with my friends all the time, but have been careful not to do this to him. I think I may have scared him...no clever quip returned.

Oh man, the things coming to him, and he has no idea. I sure hope I'm not making a mistake. I wish I could read his actions more, but I know I can't really know what he's thinking. We've been steering clear of this topic for 3 years almost, I'm sure we've become good at not being obvious.

Here's hoping that I don't turn back. So far, I haven't changed my mind and it's almost 2 wks since I've made the decision. I haven't acted because there's a rather specific timing involved.

a rainy morning..well, afternoon now

sitting in my room. listen to harry connick jr.'s "come by me" cd. haven't listened to that guy in a while.

such the drama with my mom this morning. she's stressing herself out and i got frustrated. my tone went up. shouldn't do that. she's the sweetest thing ever. all's good now. i apologized and explained my frustration.

hmm...mr. connick's putting me in a calmer mood. reminds me of calmer days of day-dreaming.

strange that i should be quite content today, a rainy day. normally, i'd feel all depressed. nice.

something strange

make a choice

sometimes i feel like i'm getting really close to deciding to tell him. today, i felt myself getting nervous in anticipation of the next time i see him. will i tell him? i wish i knew. i can decide to then change my mind at the last second.

i just don't want life to pass me by, without my having any say in it.

this is really pathetic

ok. this is really pissing me off now. just when i vow to just keep going, to look on the bright side of things; just when i'm feeling pretty good, he has to go and seem like he cares, and then just when excitement creeps up, he says something that makes me go, "what the hell? so, it's like you care and then now you're all nonchalant."

like fuck, seriously, if you're gonna care, care. follow through, damn it! i care sooo much and you say you do too. and then, due to some strange train of thought, no doubt, it's like you've gotten scared again, or uncertain. fuck!

i want so much to just be able to let this go. i don't know how. maybe i'll get so fed up (and more frequently, i feel this way) and i'll drop it. and say 'fuck you' to all your pseudo-caring.

it's just so hard to shake off! i want this to stop. the feelings, i mean. i don't want to care so much. why do i?

i no longer understand why it's not simple. people like each other and go out. why is it easier to go out with someone you don't even like and may not even be all too interested in? i just don't get it!! it doesn't make sense AT ALL!! you see someone in some random place, he gives you his no., you give him yours, you call and off you go in a date. with someone you don't even like. then the one guy that you deeply care about and who really cares about you can't be the same person you go out with. NO SENSE!!

but i can't shake it because i feel like i haven't done much either, not having initiated THE conversation. but why me? why me when he supposedly isn't sure. will our talking clarify my doubts and his doubts. there will always be doubt. why does this doubt have to take over in this case?

scared of not thinking

I've been so busy at work lately that I fortunately have not had much time to think. I know I posted not too long ago about thinking about things again, but I really don't do it much during the day.

As a result, I get these periods where I'm actually happy. I was so busy last Friday and felt like I was really getting things accomplished, that I felt fulfilled.

And then I got scared...scared because I'm afraid that if I stop thinking of him all the time, someone will snatch him from me. I haven't heard from him, nor has he heard from me, in almost a week. It's been really busy, probably for the both of us. I know that a week isn't much. It has happened before, but only on rare occasions. Still, I realize how bad it is that I get so antsy. I haven't wanted to talk to anyone lately though, so it's not just him that I'm avoiding. I get home and I'm so tired from talking that I just want to sit quietly.

Point is, I see that I'm afraid to stop worrying because I feel like this is my guard against blaming myself that I didn't keep watch. If he slips away, I might blame myself for allowing it to happen.

I know that this isn't true, though. Thinking isn't going to stop what changes might come our way from happening. It's just scary, that's all. It's scary to allow myself to be happy because that might bring change...change away from him.

But I'm better than this situation. I'm successful at my job. I've got personal goals I want to accomplish. People respect me and my opinions. Outside of this blog, I appear rather responsible...adult, dare I say.

I think it's time I let go of the mind trap. Letting go of this stressor doesn't mean I'll lose him. It just means I'll be happier, presenting a better person to the world. Yes, I might turn around to find that he's no longer there. But I'll probably be in a better place anyway and it won't seem so bad. Besides, he will be there. It'll just be a matter of what role he'll play.

I'm really scared though. I miss him already and the way he was there. I wonder whether we'll drift or grow closer later, when we're both at a better place. It's probably good that we haven't seen or heard from each other in a bit. Give me space to worry about myself.

Did I mention I'm scared? And a little sad? I long for those youthful days when I worried about a quiz.

And I'm a little excited. Who knows what comes next?

another side of me

I like taking pics. This is one of them. More and more I'm seeing amazing photoblogs. I just might create a new link in the sidebar for a few favorites. You can click to enlarge this one.

out again

Went out again last night. Out to a club. More and more I'm thinking I might drop the whole scene. I'm not a big clubber. I mean, I like to dance, but I don't go to pick up. But, my girlfriends really like to dance and they're so much fun to be with, that I don't mind going.

Unfortunately, last night, I was so tired to begin with and didn't even bother getting all dolled up. So, there were times when I felt sub-par. They all attracted guys, well, I guess we all did. There was this group of nice guys in particular (by this I mean they weren't 'gropy'). One of my friends started talking to one of them and soon we were all dancing in a group. There was this one guy that was kind of my type. Quiet, slightly awkward, as though the club isn't his scene. But I found myself not engaging in conversation on purpose. I didn't make much eye contact with anyone at all. I didn't want a repeat of last weekend.

Eventually, I sat out all the last tracks...I'd say it was for a good 45 mins. that I just sat by myself. More and more I started to wonder what exactly is going on with me.

The scene continued to amuse me, as I do love observing, but then I wondered at my immediate block. It's due to him, of course, but I really wanted to know why.

Why do I keep hanging on? Part of me wants to just go right ahead and ruin the friendship. If either of us starts going out with someone, our friendship will be different, anyway. Isn't it ruined already? Actually, it's not. If I don't go there, it'll be easier to remain friends.

So why don't I just go out with someone else? Because I'm afraid that that's all he's waiting for. That's when he'll know for sure that I no longer think of him that way. We're a lot alike. If he ever goes out with anyone, that'll be my definitive sign that all is gone.

So, should I drop it? Just move on?, especially because talking about it will mean changing everything forever (in a bad way if all does not go right)? If I'm willing to do that, what has our friendship really meant then? But if we don't try, then all we have is friendship and maybe that's our destiny.

It's hard to know right now which path I will regret. But part of me wonders whether I'm deluding myself into thinking that there's a possibility for the outcome I want.

checking in

sleepy. must sleep, but eyes attached to the net.

funny how spring brings a renewed hope. but then, a fear, too, in case the hope never materializes.

but my is it ever beautiful out. it's a strange phenomenon...the way light can make everything seem better, the way it can make your mind feel free. maybe it just illuminates everything and we become distracted.

how great and bright life can be.

well, this is a pretty haphazard post. but i just felt like posting without much to say.

oh where, oh where will life take me...

why, oh why, do i go to clubs?!

I've been going clubbing almost every weekend lately. It's been a lot of fun, going out with the girls, looking good (oh yeah, we know it!).

I don't go to pick up. I finally decided to try exchanging info with this one guy who didn't talk to me at all except for telling me that I'm really pretty (oh the flattery!). I was honest. I told him I would have to think about contacting him. He e-mailed and I realized I didn't want to go out with him. Or anybody for that matter.

My friends are scared that I'm stuck on the guy I keep going on and on about in this blog. Truth is, this is true. I always think that if someone comes along that makes me think about him a few times, I just might be lured away. You know, it's that whole idea that if I'm not getting what I need, eventually, I'll turn to someone else. I sure hope this is true.

Anyway, I have to say that I CANNOT stand it when guys think they can just grab your ass because you're at a club. Seriously people, wait until we at least make eye contact that seems to say, "come hither." It really, really angered me.

Not every guy is like this, of course. I've had guys just dance with me...no touching I didn't want. I liked that. One night though, holy shit, there was a hand sliding up my thigh 2 minutes into the club.

So why do I go? Who the hell knows. Well...the attention has to be part of it. It's an ego boost knowing I can turn heads, but then I think that for the most part, the guys that do notice just want a quick fix. This is the way it has seemed from my perspective. Sorry for the sweeping generalization. It's like they just want to stick things up things. Ugh!

This past weekend really made me irritated, though. I hate how those hoity-toity clubs aren't even tactful about letting in the people they obviously think belong to their "clientele". You know, you're standing in the supposed guest line and then you see 50 people chit chat with the bouncer and in they go! All this when the club's supposed to be at capacity. GRRRR....!

Really, though, I'm this close to never setting foot in those dressier clubs. Give me a place where I can wear sneaks!!

happy easter

Though I now struggle to keep believing that there is a God who listens to me, that is out to make sure I'm ok, I have to admit that in church today, I was clinging to certain messages that things will all work out. When I was younger, I would pray and no longer worry about anything. I once declared to my mom that I am not worried about anything at all.

Now, everything is different. And it's really this frustration that's borne from an anxiety about what the future will bring that's at the root of it all.

It's an absolutely lovely day today. For the past couple of mornings, I've been awakened by the warmth of the morning sun kissing me. I've opened the window a crack to let a cool breeze in, perfectly balancing the warmth. I could hear a number of birds and this reminds me of waking up at a camp site.

It's spring! And I feel it! And I marvel at the ability of nature to awake feelings of renewal in everyone. The weather gets warmer, the sun's out longer and suddenly, everything becomes bearable. It seems like such a ruse! I could see it two ways:

a) This is a temporary glimmer of happiness. The things that worried me are still there. They've been put aside for the moment until I the weather says it's time to brood.

b) The things I worried about should not have caused that much worry to begin with. If they were HUGE issues, nothing, not even sunlight and birds, could take them away.

In reality, it's probably a mix of both.

But there is a stirring in me. I'm afraid to get excited in case it's taken away from me. I'm still watchful of signs (as I like to deem them) so that I can be warned against impending disappointment. It's not a good way to live. If you're looking for negative signs, it's really easy to put a negative spin on even the most beautiful thing---like looking really closely at a gorgeous blossom and realizing that there's a scratch on its otherwise silken petal. The whole thing is near-perfection and yet once you see the scratch, you can't quite forget about it because you've been looking for the perfect blossom; how can you take anything less now that you have the knowledge that all isn't what you thought it was?

I dunno, I dunno. I try not to think too much and to go with the moments when I'm enjoying the now.

i feel as though i must apologize

...though it strikes me as somewhat odd. I didn't start this blog so that I could write for others, but I've appreciated the visits and the feedback that let me know I'm not alone.

I'm still sorting through a lot of things. Not everything is where I want it to be. But I'm having a great time with my girlfriends, and there are days when I feel closer to something wonderful. In those moments I glimpse the independent woman I know I will be. Independent enough to love without fear of losing, independent enough to risk with hope.

nothing much new

Everytime I decide to write here, it's because I'm feeling really strongly about the topic that always comes up here...my love life. I feel badly about this because readers get a really one-sided view. I sound like a broken reacord. Basically, this blog is like the conversations I have with my friends minus the info about all the other stuff in my life. Yes, I do have other thoughts, but I did get this blog listed under the Dating and Relationships section of the Blogscanada directory, so at the very least, it fills that little niche.

I'm just getting over being sick. I know that in a way, I made myself sick. I mean, I milked it for all it was worth, including days off, because I needed a lot of thinking time. Maybe I am experiencing some sort of SAD. I really didn't want to get up to go to work, but I did get out of bed to ponder a lot.

I want my life to mean something. I want to wake up and be really, really excited about going out into the world. So, I'm going to get really detailed and practical about what I want to change and how to get there---the career I want, the apartment (maybe condo?) that I want...

The only part I feel no control over is my love life. And I know that therapists, counsellors, etc. will say that this is something I have control over. But seriously, I was brought up in a very conservative household. I never adhered to conservative beliefs, but I find that habits with regard to saying how I feel in this department are very hard to overcome. Girls just don't tell boys how they feel. The man makes the first move. I don't actually believe in this. I greatly admire women who take charge in this department (and in many other areas of their lives) and go for what they want. I have asked for raises, negotiated hours, stood my ground when I haven't agreed with higher-ups, but I cannot, CANNOT tell him how much I feel about him. I don't understand it. I feel so caged in. It's insane. I just cannot face the possibility that despite how he feels about me, it's just not something he wants to pursue.

So, I either confront this or let it go. I'm discovering more and more that I can do neither. He's here. He's in my life. As soon as I decide not to do anything, he picks up the slack, as though reading my mind, as though knowing I want him to initiate phone calls, meetings, communications. How can I let go of someone who just seems to know? But best friends know. None of this means that his feelings for me are growing. It just means that he cares as a really, really good friend.

My reaction is to just try not to think about it. I'm hoping that my head will clear enough for me to know what to do if I just back off for a while. But like I said, it's as if he has read my mind. He's there as if on cue.

I'm trying to decide just to let it go. I feel as though, with time, I will become convinced of the futility of this wait. But I'm hoping that in the time it takes me to get to this point, he'll come around and let go of whatever it is that makes him uncertain.

That's another reason I can't just tell him how I feel...I already know he isn't sure about asking me out to due some mystery reason.

The strong woman in me says, "Well, you don't need a man who doesn't know that he wants you. You want someone who wants you 100%."

But the one who knows him says. Well, if he's not completely ready, I understand. I mean, he's been through a lot. He doesn't want to ruin something so good now. Friendship can last forever, but we all know relationships don't always.

And then I realize that I'm once again in the all-too-familiar mind-trap. "Welcome" says my friend the dark wall in my head.