return

Eep! The Ex, let's call him "X", is back for a month-long visit. He seems upset that I hadn't returned any of his e-mails. He pointed out it's been 2 years, with a hint of the implication that I should be over it and be friends already. Fuck. That made me angry. I'm sorry, but friendship after a break-up can't be pushed! He had been calling all the shots..."I'll come back after a year", "I want to keep travelling", "I still really care about you", "I want to be friends". Yeah. All you. It hurt that he really didn't get what his leaving did to me. To expect me to just be friends already seems to me such a haughty, presumptuous demand!

I had explained my need for space for an undetermined amount of time. I told him that maybe I'm one of those people who just can't be friends. I'm not sure. I hate that it makes me upset. He even said, "Well, I'm trying to be friends, it's up to you." So apparently, it'll be my fault if we're no longer friends. Great. He can't be blamed for anything. Oh, but wait, um, I'm sorry, you didn't reciprocate my efforts to communicate in order to remain together despite the distance. Technically, you did nothing wrong, merely pursuing your dreams. I can't blame you for that. I don't think I would do it either. But don't push the friendship agenda on me. That's not what I wanted, so don't make me take it. I want to ... someday, but not with it shoved in my face like this. You can't call all the shots---"I've got to go, sorry", "I'm gonna be your friend now". Oh man, it pisses me off!

Why does it upset me like this? I hate that. I want it to just slide over me.

But it upsets me because I cannot believe he has the nerve to be upset over it...to expect friendship. It shows me how much he doesn't understand my side of it at all. I know that his response to the break-up was different. In my experience, guys seem to be able to heal pretty quickly. Or, the more objective statement, is that guys deal with it differently. But at the very least, respect what I decide to do and don't get upset by it.

As one of my best friends wondered, why the hell does he feel the need to be friends with me anyway? What's the point? Let it go. I know that cutting a person off hurts, but break-ups hurt. I find myself half smirking because I'm glad I'm hurting him by not sharing my life, but the other half, it may actually be more than half, feels truly bad that I'm hurting him by not being his friend.

For some reason, his not understanding me with regard to this hurts me. I believe it's because my life had, to a great extent, included him in every aspect. HIM! A guy who couldn't really understand my emotions---who can't, even past the end. He got me in a lot of ways, but not the heart of me. And it saddens me, because I gave a lot of myself and I can't get his acceptance of how I need to deal with this, at the very least.

Then there's the other one. I called him twice. He may not have gotten the message the second time because I gave his mom the impression I would call him. But the first time, I said, "Give me a call if you get a chance." He e-mailed instead, after I e-mailed a little message. That's supposed to replace a return call?

Who the hell am I kidding, he doesn't care either. What's that book called? "He's just not that into you"? Maybe it's time I face facts and forget it altogher.