happy easter

Though I now struggle to keep believing that there is a God who listens to me, that is out to make sure I'm ok, I have to admit that in church today, I was clinging to certain messages that things will all work out. When I was younger, I would pray and no longer worry about anything. I once declared to my mom that I am not worried about anything at all.

Now, everything is different. And it's really this frustration that's borne from an anxiety about what the future will bring that's at the root of it all.

It's an absolutely lovely day today. For the past couple of mornings, I've been awakened by the warmth of the morning sun kissing me. I've opened the window a crack to let a cool breeze in, perfectly balancing the warmth. I could hear a number of birds and this reminds me of waking up at a camp site.

It's spring! And I feel it! And I marvel at the ability of nature to awake feelings of renewal in everyone. The weather gets warmer, the sun's out longer and suddenly, everything becomes bearable. It seems like such a ruse! I could see it two ways:

a) This is a temporary glimmer of happiness. The things that worried me are still there. They've been put aside for the moment until I the weather says it's time to brood.

b) The things I worried about should not have caused that much worry to begin with. If they were HUGE issues, nothing, not even sunlight and birds, could take them away.

In reality, it's probably a mix of both.

But there is a stirring in me. I'm afraid to get excited in case it's taken away from me. I'm still watchful of signs (as I like to deem them) so that I can be warned against impending disappointment. It's not a good way to live. If you're looking for negative signs, it's really easy to put a negative spin on even the most beautiful thing---like looking really closely at a gorgeous blossom and realizing that there's a scratch on its otherwise silken petal. The whole thing is near-perfection and yet once you see the scratch, you can't quite forget about it because you've been looking for the perfect blossom; how can you take anything less now that you have the knowledge that all isn't what you thought it was?

I dunno, I dunno. I try not to think too much and to go with the moments when I'm enjoying the now.