fear can get the better of you

I wish that I didn't feel so afraid and insecure.

Lately, I have found myself watchful of one of my best friends and B. They just seem to click so well together. A couple of memories irk me. One, the way he hugged her one day when we all went out before we were dating. Another when we were walking together after dumplings and he came up behind her and hugged her.

Now, he's a 'huggy' sort of guy. He hugs his girl friends. I had observed this of him before with mutual friends, these cuddly hugs. Not that he 'cuddly-hugged' my best friend.

But, oh, I don't know...I remember that there was a time I was afraid that my ex really was getting along with another of my best friends, then that fear passed.

It's just an uncomfortable feeling. B has never led me to think that he doesn't love me. In fact, he reminds me of it in ways big and small everyday. My friends have always loved my boyfriends. My best friend even, lets call her D, cried when A and I broke up.

So, I think it's just me for some reason being really afraid. The ex used to bring D cookies and joke around a lot during their overlapping shifts. I didn't feel weird about that, but I did with A and E's connection one wintry night when we frolicked about.

I just think that D is great and beautiful and fun and cute. Guys just seem to gravitate toward her. I'm not sure how long I can hold B's attention sometimes. I get really tired. I'm not always up for "fun" when he wants it because it's too late at night. I do worry that he'll wonder why he puts up with it. He says I'm great all the time and kisses me and holds me more than I've ever been kissed and held. Everything is pretty much perfect (with few minor upsets that are clarified very easily!) Yet here I am, incapable of holding my head high and just enjoying it.

I wish I could completely believe his words that say I'm wonderful. I have nothing to make me doubt it. I just have this tiny thought in my head that wonders when he'll grow tired of me.