why do i play?

I'm reading Bel Canto right now. And though it's not as good as it was made out to be, it certainly is a pretty well-told story, with humorous, insightful lines that remind me of Louis de Bernière.

I have just read this part about a character playing Chopin's Nocturne, Op. 2 #9. I've played that so many times that it has become as meaningless as Canon in D to me. Here was the piece though, telling a story, the pianist's touch becoming the caresses he only wishes he could give to his wife and children with love in his loneliness.

Is this why I play? Is this why I can't let it go? Is this why I feel no one really knows me until they've heard me play, in particular, play Chopin?

The greater question is, is this something I can and should base my career upon? Will I ever be satisfied with my level of playing such that I know I have told or shared a story well? Will enough people hear the story and think that it matters?

I really don't know. I tire of the thought of practicing so often at the end of long work days, work that I have always thought is transitional and simply needed to save money. Where do I have the most to give? Which route is more noble and important? I know that they are equally so. But I wonder whether I'm chasing something beyond me, that I will never really attain.