still blue

I've been really run down lately. I've had a month and a half straight of work and piecing together things that people have torn apart. I'm tired.

My brain can't take anymore decision-making. I feel this tension inside. I wasn't doing so well today (That's funny I meant to say 'I was doing so well today. Interesting slip, that.). It started with a massage, lunch, a long bath, net surfing, then a piano concert.

I was walking with B and really enjoying the night. For the first time in a long time, I was all there, not with my brain tracing multiple paths in my head. I suggested that perhaps we could have a tea. He said perhaps I could call my friends to see what they're up to. But I didn't want to stay out later than I want. "So you just want a quick tea, then."

"Yup."

"I kinda want to do something, I just don't know what".

"Aww..now I feel bad. I just don't want to see people."

"That's okay. Don't feel bad. You feel bad too easily."

"Well. I didn't react the way I was supposed to. I feel mean not wanting to see anyone, but I see people everyday and have to solve their problems, whether I want to or not. I just don't want to see any more people."

"I guess that's the difference. I work alone, so I want company."

"I'd be just as happy alone. Why don't you call your friends. Call C, he called you today."

So he called C. And I immediately felt terrible for suggesting it, because what I really wanted to do was continue to hang out with him on this "date". But there it was, my own demise. And from that point on, I just wasn't as happy. I found it hard to respond to his little quips.

"So no coffee or tea then, huh?"

"No. I'd get there too late if I did."

"But you'll be late tonight anyway."

"Yeah, that's true."

I told him that wish I hadn't made the suggestions so quickly because I immediately knew that I wanted to hang out with just him. He said that he had already been thinking about hanging out with the guys anyway.

So we parted ways and he noticed a tear in my eye, which he wished wasn't there. But I said that it's okay. It's all my fault.

But I can't help feeling badly. I had the wrong idea about tonight. I thought that it was going to be just us. Though I can certainly see his side of it...our concert ended and we could do what ever we wanted. Plus I had already suggested this, adding that I'd just be as happy alone.

I wish I didn't react like the martyr. I think my mood was dampened a bit once this conversation started and it was all downhill from there.

I wish I weren't so moody, especially lately.