this little pill

So here I am, wondering whether I should just go ahead and use the Pill. The last time I used it for acne, I discovered that it made me pretty depressed. I felt like crying in the middle of the work day, though my job entailed advising anyone who walked in and my desk was the first thing anyone would see. So, I stopped taking it and my emotions returned to their usual even state.

Now, I'm wondering whether I should just take the plunge. Many women have, I know. It's this new Pill I'm thinking of taking, with drospirenone. I've been doing a lot of reading about it, as I did with the previous pill, as I'm fully aware that this will be completely voluntarily taken on my part. I'm not sick and I don't need medicine. It's not like this will help my health.

Despite the risks, though I have read that they are extremely rare, unless one has a propensity for them, I find myself really wanting to take it. The way I figure it, in a few years, it will be best for me not to take the Pill. This may be the only time that I can just enjoy sex and not worry about spacing children out, or my body not being able to take it.

What's the alternative? Well, I know they're out there...IUD, the Ring, condoms., etc. I don't want to keep something in my uterus. The idea makes me uncomfortable. Condoms break, it has happened to people I know. There is no way in hell I can get pregnant.

At the same time, old, well-ingrained words from my parents and from school tell me that I need to simply have self-control (or in reality, do everything but, if you know what I mean). On the other hand, I want to know what it's like to fully experience a relationship.

In the past, I never even considered this. I would get physical, but I was too worried that I would be heartbroken and the pain would be to great if I give all I have. Now, I have been heartbroken. I still feel the effects every now and again. Regardless of what I give physically, I know I will hurt deeply. Do I really want to live my life never knowing what it's like to take someone in completely?

I used to be this person who did what was "right". It was a very rigid "right" that I held to with regard to my own conduct. I didn't think less of people who thought and did things differently, I simply knew what I would and would not do.

Here I am, grown up and making my own decisions, and it's really difficult. I liked the younger person that I was that had clearly drawn lines around her. She was happy and people always knew she would do the "right" thing.

I still like the person I am and the various facets I have discovered, and my ability to change. But, the person I am now has smudged lines about. I understand people and complications more, but it doesn't bring me closer to what I should do.

Faced with the decision to alter my body, the way it naturally works, so drastically, I'm not sure which is the right way.

I love having my period on time every month. I do not want to do anything that will jeopardize my ability to have healthy children, should that opportunity arise. The doctor assures me that I'm not predisposed to any fertility complications later on. But I do worry that so much is still unknown about the Pill, despite it being so widely and intensively studied. For example, with this pill I'm considering, one child was born with esophagial atresia, though a causal relationship with this pill is unknown. Thirteen other children were just fine, so I'm probably over-worrying. But there's always the "what if?"

So, I will keep thinking and weighing the pros and cons. One may argue that for me simply not to have sex is unrealistic. But, seriously, if you knew me, you'd know that I could do it. So the real question is whether I want to, whether I'm ready for the more intense part of this relationship. Is this worth changing my body for? Is it worth risking the adverse, though rarely experienced, effects of synthetic hormones? What am I missing here? Anything? Deep down, I know that even if I choose not to do this, my relationship will not suffer. There aren't any pressures put upon me, and yet, here I am, with a real want to experience.

There is no one else to do this for but me. The trouble is, I, too, will be fully responsible for all that happens to my body.