I'm really rather stressed today. The funny thing is, my reaction to being stressed is to just back off and say, "There it is. There's nothing I can do." It's as though my mind has grown completely tired of worrying about things it can't change. It gives up and wonders why it should exert the effort to figure out how to fit in all the things it has to deal with in a day. Essentially, I give up. Or, I want to. I just want to go to bed.
Everytime I try to concentrate, my mind wants to stop. Tonight, though, it wasn't all my fault, I was memorizing stuff really efficiently, though internally doubting whether I could finish all tonight. Then, 3 people knock on my door. I can't turn them away, either.
I've made a decision to get back to work, rather abruptly. I can still get in a good hour.
I feel really lost today, though the space between each lost episode grows wider. I'm making true progress, I think. But I really miss him. I wonder whether he thinks about me. I wonder whether he is so blind to the connection we have...correction, had(?). What if he feels so changed by everything that when he gets back, he isn't the person I knew. Somehow, I doubt that, but it's a possibility. It's a small fear I have that the guy I knew no longer exists.
I woke up this morning thinking how just a few months ago, I was incredibly happy. I would look at the falling leaves and despite the clouds, I smiled because of the strength he brought me with IM or e-mail messages.
I backed off because I needed time to end the other, to be fair to myself and to that relationship. I didn't want to seem too eager, too excited to start something, though my heart would race in the mornings, looking forward to the next message.
I guess that's what I get for playing a "game". What would've happened if I hadn't backed off? If I decided that I didn't care that I seem really eager to talk, just as he did?
Ok. Going to work now before I get angrier at myself for not working.
