finally home

I'm all settled in, well almost, 3 boxes to go.

We have this miracle of a home. We currently feel like the happiest people in the world. We got such a great deal on a house rental, it's crazy! No neighbours to worry about...seriously, I don't understand how it is that we got so lucky. Rent's $625 each + utilities. It's such a crazy steal.

I thought my parents would just die if they ever even heard the suggestion that we'd live together. Surprisingly, the most that I got was a heave of breath from my mom. I had been bracing myself for no-speaking-for-months, anger at him for influencing me, admonitions about sin. But no, my family loves the place.

Just goes to show you that sometimes, you can underestimate the understanding of your parents.

Now if only I can get hyped to play piano. I need a push if I'm going to make it into this Masters. I need to practice my ass off. But, for example, I mopped the floor and did dishes tonight. Yes, these are necessary, but I could've left them for him; or left them for tomorrow.

My mind is new to this scene of peace, which is perhaps why I'm slow to push myself into a tizzy once again. My mind leaps forward to anticipate some catastrophe where there is none. Sometimes, I hear a preemptive frequency that signals an emergency call and my heart moves forward in my chest. It's amazing what years of being alert for the worst does to your brain, amazing the deprogramming of muscles that must take place.

This is a much needed change for me, I realize even more. I had become anxious, looping my own fatalistic thoughts. I was tired all the time. I couldn't enjoy anything. And now I can take my time---where am I rushing to anyway?

It's funny thinking back to the anguish in my earliest posts. I couldn't have pictured this seeming perfection. I know the grief may come again (though I'm trying not to think the worst), but I vow to take the time to enjoy this.

Peace and love and freedom.