no time to think

I thought that it's been longer since I last wrote. I'm pleasantly surprised.

I've been going through a tough time with stress lately, experiencing minor anxiety attacks. It's gotten to the point where I believe I really have to take many steps back and take time for myself or else I'll crack up.

I dealt with some pretty complicated shit that left me shaky and completely worn out. On good days, this job is still very good and fulfilling, but when it's bad, it's very, very difficult. I just wonder whether it's good for me, and whether I need to turn the helping hand onto myself.

My goals are somewhat on hold because of this job and the anxiety surrounding it --- so I guess really, it's time to think about changes.

I've been thinking about something else too...about taking things off my walls that remind me of the past. I'm still not entirely opening up to the thought of the future and for no good reason. Maybe there's something to what my dad said about throwing things out. I no longer wish for the past, but perhaps reminders on my walls keep me from freeing myself of the fear that it could all go wrong.

And as much as I think I've healed, and that I'm over things, I'm beginning to wonder whether I've actually been holding myself up for longer than necessary --- because I have a hard time letting go of what I see as my history. Shouldn't I just be okay with this 'history'? If I have to put things away, doesn't that mean I'm just stashing my 'issues' for another time?

But I'm beginning to see it from another perspective. Perhaps I am over all those feelings and stunted wishes, but I can't let go of the fear if I see things over and over again that say, "Things can be so good. And then they end."

Oh heal me now.