well now i've done it!

...in writing.

I couldn't do it in person, absolutely couldn't!! We're writing people anyway, so I thought it would be ok.

Now I must check e-mail in case he has written something to me. I had asked that he e-mail just so I know it has been read.

I'm scared.

But I don't regret anything. In fact, I'm proud of myself for having done what I never thought I would do. This comes at a really good time in my life. I've been so happy lately because of a new job that will soon make my living conditions so much more suitable to my lifestyle.

I figured that if I were ever gonna do this, now's the time. I'm not going to him with a need for anything. I'm going to have work to keep me busy...fulfilling work. I just hope he's in a good place too.

I'm so nervous. He's my best friend. I'm so scared that now I've gone and ruined everything. The night before the hand-off, I cried because I missed what would now be changed forever.

I'm so incredibly scared that he won't be in my life anymore. There were two things that it came down to:

1) I really wanted to go through with it, not because I wanted to be with him (because, of course, this isn't guaranteed), but because I just wanted him to know. It's good to know, I figure, that someone cares about you so much. He should know that. I have no expectations, whatsoever. I just want him to know.

2) No matter what, it's of the utmost importance that we remain friends.

All this then led me to wonder how much I actually want a relationship with him. I mean, if friendship is the bottom line that I want for all time, why do this? ...Because I do want more, but perhaps the truth is, I care about him so unconditionally, that this is no longer the focus of this whole thing.

I find that I can't even hope for something that has to do with him just as much as it has to do with me. What I mean is, I don't want something that he doesn't want.

Especially after my last relationship, I want someone who wants me equally. I can no longer yearn for something just for me when it comes to this. He has to meet me half way.

I'm now going to check my e-mail. I'm scared silly. He's precious to me. I need him in my life because taking him away will leave a gap. It's a need that's not essential to my being, but it's there anyway. Needs can be replaced by other needs, kind of like how when your hungry, water will make you full for a while. If I can't get food from one place, I'll get it from another. I know this is true. But I want him to fulfill it---that need for a companion who knows me better than anyone else---proof in another that I exist in a very particular way.

All in all, I'm glad that I decided something and acted on it. It's the one thing in my life that hasn't just been handed to me as an opportunity to simply say 'yes' to, if I wanted. Instead, I'm handing him the opportunity, creating it, really. And that's quite fulfilling.

I find that I do feel stronger, and that, I'll never regret.