I'm getting that confused jumble of thoughts in my head. It only leads to one place...the thought that I'm not quite sure how to present myself to others, not sure which side to show.
I think it's a consequence of being brought up to keep private things private. I can talk to anybody, chat it up, but do I really say anything about myself? Only very few people know me intimately, even among my close group of girl friends. People wouldn't call me shy, but I've been told a number of times that it's hard for them to see who I am.
I truly envy those people who can just write or say anything. They seem to get involved in interesting, in-depth conversations. It's not like I haven't, but I contribute very generalized comments, using such pronouns as "we" or "one" in conversations that make me dig deeper into my thoughts and analyze my values more closely.
What am I afraid of? I'm pretty sure, though this isn't definitive, that I'm afraid that people will laugh, think I'm dumb, think I'm narrow-minded. The latter is the worst thought. Because I know that there are probably ideals that I fight to hang onto that may seem conservative to most, particularly with regard to sex. I fear that if I vocalize them, people will get the wrong idea; think that I can no longer understand them. It's just so hard to convey the intricate fibres of thoughts that linger around the more visible threads in my mind---the fibres that allow me to understand completely where other people are coming from because the very same thoughts challenge me all the time.
Anyway, I envy those who, as a result of their openness, seem so incredibly interesting and get interesting feedback in return.
Hmmm...I think I require adjustment. I'm not sure how, though.
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