that baggage sure can be heavy

I'm in a bit of a mood today. I've got a bit of a cough and, as usual, I don't think I'm playing all that well.

Maybe it's because he didn't return the sentiment in the closing greeting, although I didn't care at first whether he did or not. Honestly, I don't really care about that.

When I have a good look at why, it's because today, I'm reminded that I can't lean on anyone, at least not consistently.

I'm not feeling great about my playing. I'm rather tired. Part of me wants to convince him to come out to my friend's birthday, but part of me doesn't care. (It's at a club, and I hate pretentious clubs myself.) I don't think I would want to be guilted into going somewhere I don't want to go.

So I have come to the conclusion that regardless how great everything is going right now, I'm the only person that can make myself feel good. Only I can improve my playing. Only I can make sure I get enough sleep. Only I can feel confident enough about our relationship so that I don't feel the need to test it.

This whole "only I" thing, though, just reminds me of how fleeting this can all be... that no matter what I put in, there are no guarantees.

And there, ladies and gentlemen, is the interminable seedling produced by that grain of hurt.

In a way, this is good. It means that I am perhaps feeling more about this than my mind perceives. I was worried that my feelings wouldn't grow. But it also reminds me of how all this can be taken away, and in the end, I have no control. If I have no control, then neither does he. He, too, has been so hurt before that he's unsure of his capacity to love deeply.

If I don't feel that grow in him, I'm going to find it hard to grow as well. But if there's no growth in me, then that will likely be an obstacle to his growth.

So I simply feel caught. And scared. And I want to run, but I want something to stop me.