the long-awaited update

The response went like this:

'The bottom line is that I don't feel the same way about you that I felt for X.

Perhaps you will recall that the biggest mistake of my life was not going out with Y and you'll think that I'm making the same mistake again. But the difference is that she never expected me to feel that way about her. It wouldn't have lasted forever, but in the end, it would have been more of a benefit than a harm. Knowing what you think of true love and perfect relationships, it would not be the same between us at all.

You are beautiful, smart, funny, and lots of fun to be around. Under different circumstances, I would go out with you in a second.'

He went on to explain that the difference between dating someone you don't know and dating someone you do is that with an unknown person, your view of them changes everyday, so you're not leading them on.

That was the heart-cracking response.

Wow, how to explain how I feel...

Well, I still don't regret what I did. I had gotten to the point where I felt trapped. That is, that I didn't feel that I could date other people in good conscience, in case this made him feel weird in any way. I also couldn't date someone else when I really wanted to date him. I had been told, after all, by a mutual friend that he did have feelings for me. Since we hadn't talked about it, I felt this intangible cloud of questions hovering over our every interaction.

Turns out, he was wishing I would fall madly in love with someone else so that we could just be friends.

I met with him after reading his response...the very next day. I felt really insulted that he should make the assumption that I would think he's making a mistake and that I had this expectation of true love and the perfect relationship when I told him how I felt.

The problem is that through conversations we had regarding my previous break-up, I had mentioned an open-mindedness about the possibility of forever which I felt was lacking at that time. I needed to clarify that this was my expectation after almost FIVE years in a relationship. (By that time, we had already discussed a possible future.) I was rather upset that he thought I expected this of him right away. I needed him to know that I had no expectation of what might come of my telling him how I feel. I simply didn't want to let something that could make me happy pass.

I don't know whether he believes me. Admittedly, my ideal is to find that the person I'm dating isn't thinking that what we have is going to end even before giving it a sincere shot. Notice how before even dating Y, he figured it wouldn't last forever. How is that a real shot?! I understand that people can date for fun, but I don't think many people think right away, "Well, this is most likely going to end, and I'll probably break up with her, but I'll keep dating her for now"...right off the bat, without even a first date!!

I've been trying to think what exactly bothers me about his response. Naturally, I'm disappointed. I've come to realize that the reason it bothers me so much is because he never acknowledged how he feels about me now, separate from any comparison to how he felt for someone else...just me, as an individual, in real time and not in some alternate circumstance, some alternate reality that will never be.

I mean, despite what our friend said, I really wanted to hear it from him, "i.e. you mean a lot to me, and I do have feelings for you, but I don't think it would be a good idea." And now I'll never hear that from him.

That would have been nice. Now I kind of feel like I imagined the whole thing. I thought that, as friends, we could talk it all out. But in talking with him in person, he didn't have anything to say when I clarified that I wasn't expecting anything from him to start, just a chance. It felt like he just didn't want to talk about it.


reminiscing

"And the love in this case is borne out of friendship and a placid sensation of contentment at just having him around. There's a different kind of connection here that just exists and that I feel will continue to exist no matter what. I remember when I realized there was a kind of love there. I was sitting in another apartment, facing the window and dining table and it felt like the thin skin on a fruit, its fibres frayed, finally letting go, releasing scent and juice, slowly and unobtrusively. If you weren't looking, you wouldn't have seen it."

I had written that back in March 2004.

The thing is, it's so easy to just be comfortable as friends. We've talked since. A good conversation, as usual.

Before making the decision to finally tell him, I asked myself what I really think would happen. I saw nothing. I felt that perhaps in a few years, when we had both dated other people, that this might be more of a possibility.

Perhaps I was deluded, but I also felt that in the end, we'd find our way to each other, it would just take quite some time. How incredibly sad. I guess I just can't understand how two people who care for each other, support each other, but disagree enough to learn from each other could not somehow end up together.

At the same time, after enough time has passed, I know I'll date people. But I want to do it when I know I'll be open-minded about it. I just might find myself in love with someone after all and it will all have been for the best.

For now, I still have one of my best friends. He signed off with "love". And I believe it. It's there. Just not the right kind, I guess.