scared of not thinking

I've been so busy at work lately that I fortunately have not had much time to think. I know I posted not too long ago about thinking about things again, but I really don't do it much during the day.

As a result, I get these periods where I'm actually happy. I was so busy last Friday and felt like I was really getting things accomplished, that I felt fulfilled.

And then I got scared...scared because I'm afraid that if I stop thinking of him all the time, someone will snatch him from me. I haven't heard from him, nor has he heard from me, in almost a week. It's been really busy, probably for the both of us. I know that a week isn't much. It has happened before, but only on rare occasions. Still, I realize how bad it is that I get so antsy. I haven't wanted to talk to anyone lately though, so it's not just him that I'm avoiding. I get home and I'm so tired from talking that I just want to sit quietly.

Point is, I see that I'm afraid to stop worrying because I feel like this is my guard against blaming myself that I didn't keep watch. If he slips away, I might blame myself for allowing it to happen.

I know that this isn't true, though. Thinking isn't going to stop what changes might come our way from happening. It's just scary, that's all. It's scary to allow myself to be happy because that might bring change...change away from him.

But I'm better than this situation. I'm successful at my job. I've got personal goals I want to accomplish. People respect me and my opinions. Outside of this blog, I appear rather responsible...adult, dare I say.

I think it's time I let go of the mind trap. Letting go of this stressor doesn't mean I'll lose him. It just means I'll be happier, presenting a better person to the world. Yes, I might turn around to find that he's no longer there. But I'll probably be in a better place anyway and it won't seem so bad. Besides, he will be there. It'll just be a matter of what role he'll play.

I'm really scared though. I miss him already and the way he was there. I wonder whether we'll drift or grow closer later, when we're both at a better place. It's probably good that we haven't seen or heard from each other in a bit. Give me space to worry about myself.

Did I mention I'm scared? And a little sad? I long for those youthful days when I worried about a quiz.

And I'm a little excited. Who knows what comes next?