I've been thinking with frustraion about sex lately.
I'm not at the point of being ready yet. Surprise! I've known him for so long and yet I waver.
I used to want to wait until marriage, but years have made me revise this credo. I want to know that someone really, truly loves me before doing that. I thought long and hard about why that is. Is it because, after years of Catholic upbringing, I think it's a sin? No. Most definitely not. I began to ask myself why, then, why wait?
I took the Pill for a little bit a couple of years ago, for another purpose entirely. Suddenly, I knew that I would have sex, given the right guy, and an opportunity that felt right. I realized that the reason behind my wanting to be married first is that I'm afraid of unwanted pregnancy and having to raise a child on my own. Being on the Pill, I found an incredible sense of freedom. So, it wasn't a moral issue, it was fear. I determined that as long as I have someone that I trust loves me, I would have fewer qualms.
I had to get off the Pill, though, because it changed my mood dramatically. As it wasn't imperative that I be on it, I discontinued its use.
I've been thinking about getting back on it, but I have many concerns about its short- and long-term effects. I've done much reading on the subject, even prior to first taking them. I know that the chance of side-effects is low. I'm concerned, however, that in some women, pregnancy may not occur until 6 months to a year after discontinuing the Pill. What if I get off the Pill and I find that it takes longer for me? What if by the time its effects wear off, I'm at an age when the risk of having birth defects is higher?
I was reading the product description on Tricyclen Lo in Jane a couple of weeks ago. One of the health risks that increases with the use of the Pill lasts for 10 years after discontinuing its use. Now, this information was based on studies done with women who used a higher formulation of hormones. Unfortunately, there's no information on the effects of the currently available lower doses.
Point is, is it worth changing my body that drastically? I'm going to talk to my doctor about it, but I'm not sure even she will know what its effects on me will be.
I know there are other forms of birth control. But what if that fails? There's emergency contraception, but that doesn't even prevent conception 100%.
To be honest, I don't know whether I'm blowing these fears out of proportion because of the way I've been brought up. I do know that I'm a logical, reasonable woman. I know that I've done many things that have gone against my upbringing, inciting hurtful arguments with my parents.
I know I'll talk to him about all this. He already knows my concerns through being my friend for years. Regardless of how much we talk about it, though, it will still be my decision and my decision alone. I feel the weight of that responsibility. No matter how much he may understand and empathize, it will still be my body. If something messes up, it will be my baby, my guilt, my worry, my embarassment, my strength.
With all the information available to me, I couldn't at all stomach it should I be confronted with the worst possible scenario...the decision to keep a baby or abort. I already know what my strong inclination is---keep the baby. I could not in any way plead ignorance to the consequences of a decision that I have every opportunity to make with a clear mind and open eyes. But, what if I couldn't possibly raise a child? What then? I don't want to bring up a child in an atmosphere of fear, stress, uncertainty, and with a less-than-probable chance of having a father around.
You know what I wish? That I could feel as sexually free as many, many women I know. They have sex with abandon, it seems. They weather the pregnancy scare and perhaps deem it worth nights of passion. I wish that, like so many women before me, I could just get that prescription, take the Pill, express myself freely.
The only thing that will make me feel that way, it seems, is having a partner who will assure me that he'll be there. Someone who isn't going to take off before the kids are old enough to fend for themselves.
I know that even in marriage nothing is guaranteed. What more outside of it, with no assurance of love and the hopeful, maybe even idealistic, vision of "'til death do us part'", though the vision may someday be obscured?
