Don't even have a title

So here I am, faced with the task of writing my thesis. There's nothing left to do. The data's in. Been reading forever. Nothing left to do but write. I have soooo much information. This is a daunting task. How the fuck do I begin? Actually, I've already started, but the process is slow.

I admit to being rather obsessed with worry over my daughter's allergies. I just had B over for lunch at my office and it was great, but I had to talk about my fear over her teacher using a vegan margarine from her house. What if it has been accidentally cross-contaminated with a utensil used to spread it over bread that might have egg in it? Or perhaps there's a splash of milk in there? When your child could die it forces you to look for dangers and prevent them. I happen to already be prone to perfectionism/anxiety/etc. so finding these dangers seems to come without effort. Sometimes I wish I could let reason reign --- There would be such a small amount of the allergen that a reaction is highly unlikely. But then my mind flits to facts such as: there is no known amount that does not cause a reaction. In fact, even trace amounts can do it. --- Cue the worries flooding in. Also, did you know that ALL food allergies (IgE-mediated ones, non-IgE ones seem to be understudied, at least from all I've read) can cause anaphylaxis whether or not the person has a history of severe reactions? That's why I just hate when I hear/read someone say, "I'm allergic to ____, but it's not anaphylactic." Um, then you don't have an allergy, you are simply intolerant to something. Because if you are really allergic you need to go get yourself an epi-pen. 

Anyway, nearly everyday, there is some food-related scene or information that causes my tummy to do a little turn. Libraries, playgrounds, food or drink spilled in the subway, parties, etc. You'd think it would get easier after over two years of dealing with it, but it doesn't. In fact, learning about how much we don't yet know about allergies as well as what we do know makes me more vigilant. 

So, it's hard to write a fucking thesis, when life has such a distraction.

sometimes, the feeling...

Having a baby really knocks things out of you. It really can feel like pieces of yourself have scattered and you'll never get them back. Maybe that's actually the case, or maybe they just stray temporarily. I don't know. I'll let you know if I find out. 

There's so much that I can't do right now. And yet so much that is new that I can do. 

I'm just having one of those days wherein I feel completely unoriginal, unprovocative, and rather intellectually blank. Who am I even trying to be? No one, actually. For the most part, I'm too tired to care. 

But I can tell that I'm not feeling good about myself, because I worry that my partner finds someone in his office more interesting, prettier, more amazing generally. Why? I feel like in contrast to me, she is capable of so much more while B works his ass off at home everyday because I seem not to be able to do it myself. Sure, I'm the only one who can breastfeed and put the baby to bed, but she does this too and seems to accomplish much more. She seems like wonder woman---a baby, various projects. I seem like a wimp by comparison. I don't even wear make-up anymore. My old clothes still don't fit right (not since the delivery), but we're in school right now, and I don't think I should spend money. This used to be a bit of a point of pride---there are graver issues in the world (refugee crisis anyone?). But today,  I just feel smaller than I already am, more ragged than I look in the mirror, and terribly uncreative.

Nothing like insecurity to breed jealousy, right? Yeah well, there's my honest post about all this. And I'm sick right now and haven't slept enough. So everything is many things seem negative. 

Waiting

I'm due to have a baby this Sunday, May 4! Crazy, right? We're getting a bit impatient as things are pretty much ready, so we're excited to meet the wee one. We don't know whether it will be a boy or girl, adding to the excitement. Most times, I think of it as a boy, but sometimes it really feels like a girl. Of course, people keep guessing, which I guess is part of the fun.

Pregnancy, especially these last weeks, has been an exercise in patience and waiting. Oh the waiting...through tweaking sensations in my pelvis to discomforts in bed at night. I have to remind myself to enjoy all this because truth is, I'm gonna miss feeling this little one in me. It just moved, actually, and it feels very strong now. The movements used to be lighter, though distinct. Now, they're stronger and more of a pressured push. 

It's really interesting knowing that something is about to happen and yet not really know when. In the meantime, you prepare, and try do everyday things. But all I really do now is think 'baby, baby, baby'! I've stopped my research since about a month ago. Stopped teaching about 2 weeks ago. It's been all baby since then. B and I even went on our last dinner date a couple of Saturdays ago. Deelish!

All the baby clothes are washed and in the drawers. Man, are we lucky to get so many hand-me-downs! The birth announcement has even been prepped. All we need is for this cute little one to come on out. 

The waiting keeps me watchful, keeps me here, keeps me searching for things to do, keeps me more present. I kinda like it, even though part of me wants to finish all the tasks! I must keep achieving small goals. But it's really a simple bit of life. B's home a lot because he's job hunting, so it's really nice being with him and spending lots of time together before we have another life to take care of.

I'm hoping to do this without an epidural. I was nervous about trying this up until last week, but I've now read so many labour and birth descriptions that I've just accepted what might be. Again, interesting phenomenon, because I was quite anxious before and now there's just acceptance.

My life's about to change and I don't even know how, exactly. Already, I feel that I want to draw people I love closer to me, to protect them, because my baby and I need them. I want to keep things clean for the baby, too, and I have to remind myself that I need not be so meticulous. Someone told a friend of mine that having a child is like taking your heart out and having it walk around. I hope my heart keeps safe and happy.

I wonder if I'll be a mom by Mother's Day!

just some musings

So here I am, sitting in a nice coffee shop overlooking an awesome Toronto park. Have I ever mentioned I live in T.O.?

Came to meet a friend that I haven't seen in a long while and wound up seeing another close friend, too, who had walked in just before me. Events like this make the city seems small and friendly. Or, it could be my outlook these days. I would like to acknowledge this happy time in my life. 

The spring didn't start off with much promise...had a bit of a health worry that is now no longer much of a worry. This occupied my mind --- I'm so prone to irrational expansions of minute possibilities --- for a good couple of months. Boo. Anyway, I kept trying to remind myself that I just needed to live because I really couldn't help much of what what was going on.

Did my comprehensive through July and am LOVING August. Been breaking a lot these days. I'm sure regular exercise has improved my mood greatly. Plus, I'm prepping for a piano recital for...maybe the fall?  I count myself lucky to be able to just make art for much of my day. Even my research has to do with art.

On another note, it's amazing how some people can really bring you down. A friend of mine was in a terrible mood last night...shooting down another friend's interests, and generally making things feel negative. Mind you, she had had a blast from a love past, so I understand. But when someone is mostly angry, it's really tough to be around them. I actually thought to myself, I don't know if I can be friends with this person. Which of course, may be a terrible thought, but I seem not to be able to express my own excitement at the things I'm doing because she's in such a negative state. So, if friendships are supposed to be two-way, will this work? 

Other than that, life is marvelous. Just about to go on a date with my partner in this gorgeous weather.

Hope the rest of the summer treats you well. 

Love,

Odd

one more week

And I'll be married!

It has been hard to picture it as we checked off our to-do list.  But now, I get butterflies of excitement.  I want to write about the surge of emotion, how I can't believe I'm marrying my best friend.  Oh now cliché.  What I really feel, though, is peace and clarity.  I didn't know this is what it would be like.

the blahs

I think I've got the February blues.  It's not even really winter.  I decided that I wouldn't push myself to get things done today and emailed my prof that I probably won't be in class since I got home last night and wasn't feeling very well.  I'm not really sick, just terribly brain drained.  I don't have the energy to forge ahead.  So the question is, am I being lazy, wimping out?

Or is this the smarter thing to do.  Am I simply listening to my body and actually heeding what's going on before I plunge back into anxiety?  I'm telling myself this is the case, because somehow this makes it okay to back out of the day for now.

I've been thinking so much...about teaching - Am I doing well?  How does my colleague see me?  How do I earn respect of parents?  About the wedding - gotta get those invitations out!  About my courses - must keep up, must read and think about a thesis, must meet with that prof.  About my own repertoire - Am I done performing?  Am I still cut out for that? I get nervous in front of crowds.  Am I a good accompanist?  I don't ever conclude negatively in answer to these questions.  I think I've learned to be honest and accepting, pinpointing the strengths and the weaknesses.  I think this takes work for me, and a conscious effort not to plunge into extremes of thought and emotion. The result is a tiredness.  I'm not physically ill, and I'm mentally tired.

Surely, that has to be a good reason to take a break.

telling myself it's okay

Once again, I find myself wishing I were more vocal in class, feeling that I have ideas that count for something, but I hesitate...am I wrong? What if I am?  I should really think about this. 

There's someone in my class that is just so good at articulating bright ideas succinctly, without any fear of being challenged.  I'm exactly the opposite.  I'm better now, I say more, but I continue to wonder where my motivations lie.  Do I speak to challenge? To bring up a point for discussion?  Or do I do it out of an expectation?  And this is the crux...What do I really want to do here?  Speak, think, stay silent.  Do I want my thoughts verified, validated? Do I want to seem smart?  Do I just want to contribute?  I really don't know.  It's probably a mix of all of these. But speaking out is still something that goes against so much of my personality.  I like to think and write, and only when comfortable, speak.  I realize that I have a voice and an opportunity, and it feels like shirking obligation not to use it.  But I also feel that there is pressure most people don't realize they are placing on those of us who are naturally introverted, or simply different in social situations.  That more vocal people are privileged by nature of being most readily heard and therefore seen.  And we're not always good at making the quieter ones more comfortable, and I don't blame anyone for that---it's hard to know how to respond to near silence.

So...do I accept who I am and simply take my time until I feel comfortable and ready?  Or, do I push to be heard and seen---and what for, anyway?  Do I disadvantage anyone by my silence?  Or maybe I disadvantage people by forcing something that doesn't feel right? And yet I have come so far by being just what I am, so where do I go from here?